[Music]
Since God had come into my life,
I felt like the world had gotten brighter and...
[Sighs] Louder. [Bird chirping]
One morning I woke up, and it was like he/she
had turned up the sound system full blast.
And guess what?
We are not alone.
[Bird chirping]
Hello. Hi, guys.
Oh, how you doing?
Wow, I hope you all have the greatest day possible.
I was suddenly and totally in tune
with all of God's creatures.
Great...
Aw, I love you.
And small.
Ugh, there's a spider!
Stand back. I'll kill it.
- No! - Ugh, get it. Get it.
Don't harm it! Stop. Stop.
Oh. Oh, here.
No, no, no, it's missing a leg.
No, it's just hiding its leg because it's afraid.
- There you go, dear. - Aah!
♪ The itsy-bitsy spider
♪ another gift from God ♪
♪ Down came Beth to set the darling free ♪
Ew.
♪ God said, right on, another job well done ♪
[Kisses]
Okay, this does not leave the house.
Mmmm.
- sync and corrections by Zac - - www.addic7ed.com -
[thunderclap]
Oh, nuts.
[Heart monitor beeping]
[Indistinct chatter]
My compassion for God's creatures
extended beyond animals.
I had been praying every day for Tom's ex-mistress
to wake up and finally decided
a visit to see her was in order.
- Can we go now? - Hey, slow down, speedy.
I don't know if you've googled "coma" lately, but I have.
We're supposed to talk to her.
And say what?
Just, you know, small talk. Everyday stuff.
We're helping our friend Elliot
throw a surprise anniversary party for his wife tonight.
Well, kind of a funny story, a couple of weeks ago,
Elliot called his wife Maggie by his ex-wife's name.
Oh, yoinks, right?
Tough to get back from that one.
You want to jump in? I'm kind of yammering away here.
- Her name was Diane. - Mm.
You know, Elliot and Maggie usually go away
to a spa for the weekend
when their anniversary is being celebrated.
But this time he wanted to do something
a little extra special, right?
'Cause he blurted out the wrong name.
- Yeah. Diane. - Diane.
You know, come to think of it, I'm not really sure
why Maggie is so insecure about Diane,
because frankly, no one ever even liked her.
As uptight as Maggie is, she was...
Both: Way worse.
She once made me go back inside my own house to change
because my clothes weren't color-coordinated.
[Laughs]
So that's our Saturday.
I think she needs her rest.
[Cell phone beeps]
It's Elliot. He wants us to pick up balloons
- on the way over to JP's. - Sure.
I'll go get the car.
And because Carly was one of God's creatures,
I didn't want her to die.
[Choral music]
♪
Heal thee.
♪
Eh, it was worth a shot.
I'll keep praying for you, bitch.
You're awfully quiet.
Are you mad because I went with you to see her?
Nope, if that's what you needed to do,
I think it's great.
- No, you don't. - No, I don't.
I think it's creepy.
Is it because you wanted to be alone with her
because you're still in love with her?
No. Because I'm not.
Well, are you mad about something else?
Because you seem mad. Come on, I'll help you out.
Is it because I fussed with your radio presets?
There's no forgiveness in hell!
Whatever goes to hell...
Jesus saves. Won't you return the favor?
No. I think it was an interesting change.
Okay, maybe it's something further back.
Are you mad because I gave you a sarcastic present
for your 30th birthday?
I know what this is,
and I can't wait to go fishing with it.
[Laughs]
You can use it as soon as the next time
you go to the bathroom, and I mean it, baby.
Use it.
I should have given you that and the fishing pole.
- I'm so sorry. - Beth, let's not look back,
and let's keep the balloons in the back.
Maybe you're still mad because that first year
we were dating, it took me so long for me to tell you
about you know what.
I don't know what this is.
Oh, that. Yeah.
I don't know either.
Beth, stop it. I'm not mad about anything.
[Tires screech] [Gasps]
Look out! [Tires screech]
[Squirrel whimpers] Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh, look, he's still breathing.
He's still alive.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm so, so sorry.
Okay, okay, we have to put him out of his misery.
We gotta find a rock. Rock?
Here's one.
What am I supposed to do with this?
Throw it at his window and ask him to come downstairs?
You asked for a rock. I got you a rock.
No, we need a big rock.
- Here. - Oh, buddy.
Oh, sweet buddy. Ah!
All right. Turn around.
We shouldn't both have to see this.
One Mississippi.
Two Mississippi.
Stop!
God wants us to shave it!
Save it!
Of course. That makes a lot more sense.
Save it.
Oh.
I gotcha.
Unfortunately, Tom wasn't as enthusiastic
about God's plan as I was.
Oh!
I got you, pal. Don't worry.
I got him.
Just do what you would do if he were human.
If he were human, I would run some tests
to find out why he has fur and a tail.
Elliot, I promised God I would save him.
Beth, I admire your newfound sympathy for God's creatures,
but we take an oath in medical school to do no harm,
and sometimes that means not intervening with nature.
There's also an expression we like to use...
"cadaver boobs are still boobs."
Just trying to lighten the mood.
Tasteless. I rescind.
Every life is precious, isn't it?
Precious if unnerving.
Squirrels always skeeved me out, you know?
I mean, they kind of look like
rats with better clothing, don't they?
Yeah, about that, I'm wondering if you can move
away from the window before you crash our yelp score.
Jenna.
[Phone rings]
[Cat meows] [Gasps]
Well, hi, friends.
[Dog barks]
Aw, I wish I would have hit one of you.
You're so much cuter.
Sorry, squirrel friend.
I don't know what's weirder...
watching her sitting there nursing roadkill
or that she visited your mistress with you.
You should have seen her there,
chatting up Carly like they were part
of the same trapeze act before one of them got injured.
Yup, that's really good.
I mean, you had an affair, and your wife forgave you.
I know win-win is an overused expression
in these days, but it really does apply here.
Yeah, I don't feel like a winner.
I wish I could erase the whole last six months.
And if I can't erase it, I just wish
she'd be mad about it like a normal person.
Well, you should have married Maggie.
I spend so much time in the dog house,
I'm gonna put on an addition.
A little closet for your poop bags?
A little hook for my collars.
You are gonna get out of the dog house,
and she's gonna give you a bath after this party.
I hope you're right.
I mean, you remember that car I got her for Christmas?
That was because I kept forgetting to get her
the gluten-free bread that she likes.
Bread, Tom.
Oh, Beth would have forgiven you for that immediately.
And she would have fed homeless ducks with the offending bread.
You know, we should do a couples swap.
That way, I get all forgiveness, I get to pat a duck,
and you get to spend a week under the evil eye.
I'll take evil eye over crazy eye any day.
Well, at least she doesn't throw can openers at you.
I always imagined Beth and I growing old together.
You know, me helping her put on her coat.
Just didn't imagine I'd have to tie the sleeves in the back.
- [Chuckles] - I'm sorry about this, Elliot.
I hope that thing dies before your party,
so it doesn't steal focus.
Oh, I was playing dumb back there.
Little guy's got internal bleeding like you wouldn't believe.
I'd give him 20 minutes, Max.
Elliot, his breathing is labored, and his fur is pale.
It may be time to call the squirrel priest.
No! We can't let him die.
Tom, let's take him to a real doctor.
What?
- She means a vet. - It's okay, baby.
The M.R.I. shows a couple of broken ribs.
I can't believe the we're having a conversation about a squirrel M.R.I.
A shattered pelvis, some internal bleeding.
- Well, what can you do? - We could give him a shot.
That would fix all that?
No, a shot would euthanize him, cost you about 45 bucks.
- No! - We should have just done
- the rock thing. - No!
What can you do to save him?
I could open him up if you want me to,
clean some things out, sew some things up.
- Great. Do that. - Wait, wait, you mean surgery?
How much can that cost?
Depends on what I have to do once I get in there.
Ballpark: $1,700, $1,800 with aftercare.
- Great. - Absolutely not.
Look, you're talking about money.
I'm talking about a precious life.
I'll give you two a minute, which is about all you have.
- Tom. - I am not thinking
about the money, Beth.
Well, I am kind of thinking about the money,
but I'm also thinking about this poor animal.
Let's not extend his suffering.
I mean, if I had this much damage, I'd want you to put me down.
Yeah, but God really wants me to save him.
Maybe it means something. Maybe it's connected to Carly.
Oh, this ought to be good.
Come on, if you spent as much time
with the Bible as I have, roughly 50 minutes in total,
you would understand that God works in super weird ways.
Yeah, that's been made very clear.
Tom, maybe if I save this squirrel, God will save Carly.
Oh, and maybe if I eat a really big meal,
I can solve the hunger crisis.
- Have you two made a decision? - We have.
Do the surgery. [Sighs]
I gotta go help Elliot.
Nurse, prep the squirrel! It's show time.
Thank you guys so much. Maggie's gonna love this party.
And I'm gonna love the gratitude sex.
Check my Facebook page
for a well-crafted euphemistic status update tomorrow.
Wait, Maggie just texted me.
She's almost here. Dim the lights!
And Beth's been texting updates on your little guy's surgery.
- I'm pulling for him. - He's not my little guy.
He is however the most loved squirrel in the world.
Okay, everybody knows their line, right?
- We got it. - Okay.
- Elliot... - Surprise!
Oh, wow. Wow.
- Whoo! - Happy anniversary, honey.
How is it possible that you did not know
that surprise parties are my worst nightmare?
She's excited. [All cheer]
I was confident, when I got the squirrel
up and running again, that Tom would appreciate
what I'd done.
He didn't make it.
That's... that's not possible.
We did all we could, but it's a squirrel, so...
[Gasps]
You can see Gina at the front desk on your way out.
If you pay cash, we validate and incinerate.
[Groans]
I was worried that my failed attempt
to save that squirrel had caused
some internal bleeding in my marriage as well.
- Here you go, Jenna. - Well, I get it.
I once lost a job because I stayed home three days
nursing a lame butterfly back to health.
He got better, but then he flew into my fan.
How could I have failed at something God wanted me to do?
You'll get through this.
Why don't I put your gift on the table
while you go over and ask that handsome bartender for a drink?
Oh, no, this isn't a gift.
- It's the little guy. - Beth!
Do you mind if I put him in your fridge?
He's starting to smell a little bit gamy.
You cannot have a dead animal in here.
Why don't you just take him home?
Then you can put on something more festive and come back.
Tell me if you like it.
But I couldn't take my dead squirrel home
until I had patched things up with Tom.
[Laughs] So wait.
You really believed you were going away to that spa?
Oh, I was positive. In fact, right around now,
I was sure I'd be lying naked on a massage table
having something scraped off or rubbed on.
So funny.
See, you totally pulled it off, dude.
High five.
Nice.
Oh, hey, there, bartender.
I'll take a virgin vodka.
Translation: Water,
- on the rocks. - Right.
Look, Tom, I'm sorry we lost all that money.
I couldn't help it. He was already prepped
- for surgery... - Hey, we spent some money.
It's fine. No big deal.
Oh, no big deal. You're boiling with rage.
- Why don't you just let it out? - I already told you how I felt.
I'm done here.
"Done here"? What does that mean, you're done here?
Uh, white wine and a vodka tonic, please.
I wish.
You're really not having a good time?
Oh, maybe Diane would have liked a surprise party.
Oh, okay, you know what, I'm doing this for you,
because you're always saying, "we don't socialize
- like we used to." - Is that supposed to be me?
"We're so overscheduled. I just want to see people."
That's your Asian voice. You're doing your Asian voice.
That is so offensive.
That is not my Asian voice.
[Affected Asian accent] This is my Asian voice.
You know what, we have to be more like Maggie and Elliot.
Don't you have a squirrel memorial to prepare?
Yeah, I do after we fight.
'Cause that's obviously how healthy couples communicate.
They fight like Maggie and Elliot.
I don't think our marriage can handle
the weight of another layer,
even if it is health. [Sighs]
And you know what's offensive?
You sticking your nose up at a party
that your friends and I worked our asses off organizing.
If you threw this party for me, I'd be having a great time.
If you took me to the spa, you'd be having a better time,
because I was planning on giving you
your present there with my mouth on your...
- not here. - Exactly not here.
You could at least have taken me someplace fancy.
Hey.
Okay, is everybody ready for the next crappy item
on the lousy menu from the disappointing venue?
- 'Cause it's cake time. - I'm sorry, Jenna.
You know I adore this place, right?
- For everyday meals. - We're not trying to be fancy.
We're trendy casual. That's different.
Yeah, it's like, wear shorts if you want,
but shorts with pleats are preferred.
I feel badly.
I insulted Jenna and Pete, and I just want to go home.
Please don't go.
Is this from you?
No. I don't know who that's from.
Actually that may be... I wouldn't...
don't open... [Gasps]
Something dead and disgusting.
Something I'll never unsee.
It's okay, honey. It's all right.
Sorry if I've been rude.
I just wanted to go to the spa
because it's the only time we get to be alone
and relaxed together.
You know, Diane hated hugs.
That makes me feel better.
- Come on. - Okay.
Wait, wait. Hey.
Hey, you guys aren't leaving, are you?
We need some alone time, but it was a great party.
Thank you.
You've got to be kidding me.
Beth! [Gasps]
I told you to get rid of this.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I couldn't leave it outside. I'll give it to Tom.
Tom! Put it behind the bar for me, would you?
- No! - Come on!
Put it behind the bar.
I know you don't care about it, but I do.
- Do it for me! - How about I bury it
so far up your ass you won't need a gravestone?
[Exclamations]
Oh, you are mad at me, maybe furious, about the squirrel?
Oh, the squirrel is just the furry on my fury, Beth.
Oh, that is funny if confusing.
Well, let me spell it out for you, okay?
You pulled out all the stops
to keep that rodent alive today,
went above and beyond what any rational person
would have done, and when our marriage was dying,
I couldn't get you to go to therapy,
I couldn't get you to stop drinking,
I couldn't get you to do anything to save it.
And I'm so pissed off about that,
but I can't tell you how mad I am,
- because I had an affair. - I forgave you for that.
No, no, I don't want you to forgive me.
I want you to be as tore up about it as I am.
But we can't even have this conversation,
because you're the all-forgiving prophet of God,
and I'm just the cheapskate philanderer.
It's a fix fight.
- So that's what it was! - Whatever.
That's why you're mad! I get it.
Take that. [Grunts]
Throw a drink in my face.
- What? - Come on.
You deserve it. It'll make you feel better.
I was a bartender for ten years.
Do you know who never threw a drink in someone's face?
A guy.
Well, uh, I'm Beth.
I'm perfect.
I am a prophet of God! I can't be hurt.
God is on my side.
God loves me. I'm perfect.
I forgive you.
God loves me. You can't hurt me.
[Grunts]
[Gasps]
[Shrieks] [Laughter and exclamations]
I'll just clean all this stuff up, guys.
[Laughing]
- [Gasps] - What? What?
Carly's awake.
Hey! I know that guy.
Welcome back, Carly.
It's so nice of you to visit me.
And this must be your wife, right?
Did we meet at that Christmas party last month?
You mean last year?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm still on coma time.
They said that I lost about six months of my memory.
- Wow. - Wow.
Yeah, wow is right.
This is so strange.
Tom, I'm reading my calendar, and it says
that we play racquetball every Thursday at lunch.
[Coughs]
Every Thursday?
It's just weird because I have no memory of how to play.
I hope you don't mind if I bail on that.
- Tom? - Not at all.
[Knocking]
Hmm.
I don't mean to chase you guys away,
but they say that I have to try
to make my first vertical poop now.
- So... - Excellent.
So your ego isn't the least bit bruised
that she can't remember her time with you?
It's perfect. It's what I wanted.
A clean slate.
Yeah, I just hope another squirrel doesn't have to die
for you to be able to tell me how you really feel.
Well, then, you know I don't believe you talk to God.
I wish you did.
I do believe that you believe
and that you've developed an amazing sense of intuition.
Oh.
So you think we can agree to disagree on this?
Well, there's no one else
I would rather agree to disagree with, Mr. Harper.
Good, because you will always for the rest of my life, Beth,
be my number one.
Even if I have to tie your jacket in the back.
Ooh, please don't try
to model a healthy relationship for me.
I know better.
Oh, hey, who wants to help me
dig a little grave in the backyard?
- Oh, are we killing hobos now? - No, it's for a squirrel.
You really have your finger on the pulse
of what teenagers like to do on Saturday nights.
I'll prep the squirrel.
- Oh, my God. - What?
- What is it? - It's a miracle.
That night, I thought about how the death and resurrection
of one of God's creatures had brought my marriage
back to life.
I would always be Tom's number one.
And he would always be my...
Number two.
- sync and corrections by Zac - - www.addic7ed.com -